i dont understand

sometimes i wish i could just run away, run away from all my problems, instead of going back to my old ways. what good is it if i just keep going back. nothing ever gets better, i just keep fighting, fighting off that pain that i never dealt with. I dont know how to explain it. it has this tight grip on me. very tight. its invisible though. when im distracted im good, but when things get low and hard i go right back to you. but the truth is you never free me. you make me feel in more bondage than anything else. but you know i wonder what it will take to get rid of you. prayer? straight up disconnection. i hate feeling like all that i do isnt enough. its a fight, that i think im willing to do whatever it takes to win.